(Note: Yes, I have this same babbling rant posted on my fanfiction profile… But It’s been a while since I posted anything on this blog so there ya go)

Swan Song, as I’m sure you guys know, is the culmination of Eric Kripke’s story about Sam and Dean Winchester and the season 5 finale of Supernatural. It isn’t the end of Supernatural because the show was picked up for a sixth (then seventh and eighth) season. However, it is where Eric Kripke (the evil genius behind Supernatural and Sam and Dean) intended for the story to end.

Everything from the pilot episode forward had been leading to that episode, the ultimate climatic bang to end all climatic bangs. Watching the show as I did (in order from the pilot episode forward without skipping a single episode and cramming half a season into a day) I could feel the suspenseful buildup as the story progressed. It was always, to me, a much larger story than just Sam and Dean hunting monsters. Whether or not other fans felt that, I don’t know because I was not there from day one (a fact I totally regret, but in my defense, I never heard of the show until it was in its third or fourth season anyway!). They probably did, and in fact, probably felt it more powerfully than I did considering they watched it all spaced out over years. The same way the suspense was super powerful reading “Deathly Hallows” for those of us fans who’d been reading the series most of our lives.

Back on point, I’m not complaining so much as I am babbling on about my fangirl emotions and how Kripke killed them. Before I discovered Supernatural, I maintained that Steven Moffat was perhaps the most evil producer/writer in all of fandom. Even more sadistic than the brilliant JK Rowling, Moffat had ripped my heart out, killed off characters, made me cover my eyes in fear and given me nightmares thanks to Doctor Who and Sherlock.

Then, however, I watched Supernatural. Now, I’ve already established that I get emotionally attached to characters. Otherwise, I don’t watch the show. And yes, I have cried watching TV shows and movies. But never have I cried in the first goddamn season before.

Most TV shows follow a certain pattern that words. In season one, they introduce the characters, give you time to know them and fall in love with them. To care about them and their lives. Occasionally, they’ll throw in a few deeper, more emotional episodes to make you connect faster, but for the most part, the emotional wringing doesn’t start until season two. Now, in season two, I’ve found that most TV shows go for broke and decided that now that you love the characters they’re gonna make you watch while they brutally rip their lives apart.

So if/when I cry watching a TV show, it has NEVER happened before season two. Ever. Not in Criminal Minds, not even in Torchwood. (I came very close in Cyberwoman, but I still did not actually cry). But I remember very vividly crying while watching Supernatural.

It wasn’t in the first episode (though Jessica’s death was like BAM and freaked me out a little). But it was still in season 1. Specifically, it was in the episode “Shadow” when Sam and Dean are discussing what they’d do if they finally killed the demon that had killed their mother and Jessica. Sam was talking about how he’d go back to school and finally be able to relax and have a normal life. Dean seemed surprised and said that they couldn’t just quit hunting when there was more evil out there to kill. Then Sam asked Dean what he wanted out of life, telling him that there had to be something that he wanted once their hunt for revenge was finally over. Dean’s answer… Dean’s answer was that he didn’t want Sam to leave him after their hunt was over, he wanted Sam and their dad and him to be together again like they had been when they were kids.

*chokes on sobs*

For real? That had me in tears, honestly. Not, like, bawling my eyes out, sobbing ’til my lungs hurt but still, I was crying. And I’m not usually that easy of a crier. AND IT WAS ONLY SEASON 1!!! They only get more emotionally taxing as the show goes on.

Season two and three gave me about 10 episodes combined of tear-jerking awfulness (not to mention I literally screamed and covered my eyes at the season 3 finale) and season 4 had me laughing at stupid, silliness that Supernatural is often known for and then scrubbing away tears in the next goddamn second! The same freaking SCENE!

By the time I got to season 5 I was familiar with the pain the show dished out constantly. I was used to it. I figured there was nothing worse they could throw at me after the season 4 climax (which ripped out my HEART!).

Then I watched season 5 and realized that I was oh so wrong. Now, most of the season was, as per usual, peppered with emotionally ruining damnation. I cried just like I always cried, but I was so not expecting that season 5 finale. In context, I knew that season 6 and 7 were already finished and (at the time) they were gearing up for season 8 in a few months. So I knew that Swan Song wasn’t really where it all ended.

But that didn’t help me because I also knew that it was where the show was supposed to end.

Swan Song was an emotional rollercoaster of bad. Not that the episode was bad, it was an amazing episode by all points. But it killed me. Right from the beginning I was crying, just shaking my head and not even bothering to hide the tears (and I was watching in a public place people!!). I just sat on the edge of my seat, listening to Chuck’s stupid voice over and wanting to rip his throat out.

Seriously, the episode was bad enough without Chuck’s stupid commentary making me sob when nothing sad was even happening!! When he said “they were never, in fact, homeless” and started talking about how they’d sit on the Impala and stare at the stars I was just sobbing my eyes out.

Every single part of the episode was specifically designed to make me want to kill myself. All the Dean angst, the Sam angst, Lucifer and Michael’s confrontation. I could hardly bring myself to smile when Dean pulled up in the Impala and interrupted their epic battle. I think a little bit of me died when Lucifer exploded Cas and broke Bobby’s neck.

And then, after all the awfulness and all the pain, Sam jumps into the pit and Michael and Adam go with him and it closes and I’m sitting there, mouth open like some kind of idiot, tears still dripping down my cheeks and Chuck starts talking AGAIN. About how endings are hard and they have to add up to something and how he thought it was all a test and they had passed. I was blubbering again and screaming “Fuck you Chuck! Shut up and stop talking you ass!”

Then they’d cut to Chuck, sitting in his little house at his little desk, smiling all self-appreciatively at the end of the WORST STORY EVER and then he fucking vanishes and my brain exploded.

It took me an entire minute to put together the implications of Chuck’s magical disappearance. Then I realized “fuck you” was a bit too kind. What I really wanted to do to him was rip his freaking heart out and give it to Lucifer to play with. Damn it, Chuck! You cannot play with my emotions like that! It’s not FAIR!

Do you guys realize that THAT was the END? That was where Kripke intended for the story to STOP? With Sam in Hell and Dean no longer hunting, just being broken and sad with Lisa and Ben? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT WOULD HAVE KILLED ME??

From the very beginning, I was in love with these characters. I cared so much that I cried just whenever they started to talk about their feelings. I would hang on to every word and hated having to stop watching for things like sleep and eating because that meant I had go any length of time in suspense over what came next. And THAT was where he ended it? THERE? With THAT emotional rape? Not cool.

It is for this reason that I maintain that Eric Kripke is by far, more evil than Steven Moffat. He knew what he was doing, he did it on PURPOSE. He wanted to hurt me (not me specifically, but me as in fangirls) he probably even laughed manically at all the tears his creations had caused. Even Moffat has never elicited such a powerful, emotional reaction from me (though “The Angels Take Manhattan” certainly came close). Damn you Eric Kripke, damn you. You broke my feels.

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